In June of 2000, 18 years and a few months grown, a few days after graduating high school and returning from my graduation shopping trip to New York, I met and became “friends” (the quotation marks will make sense by the post) with a colleague of my homeboy/best friend. My friend had introduced me to this new guy because he felt we had a lot in common; the new guy was dealing with terminal illness, and my mom had died battling the same illness he was dealing with.
Anyhow, this “friend” and I became cool, talking on the phone infrequently. About 97% of my conversation with him was encouragement, praying for him, and supporting him. The other 3% was joking and talking about me leaving for college in the coming weeks...my major and why I had chosen International Studies, what my dorm room was like, what little I knew about my roommate. Not long after getting to know him a little, I noticed his dynamics and interactions with me changed to more flirtatious, and then again, to very demanding of my time, where it seemed he was calling more than he should’ve and expecting that most of my free time be devoted to being his friend, or as he coined me, “the only one that truly understood” him. The friendship I had with my homeboy/best friend began fading. And never mind the fact that I was in a full blown relationship with a guy that I absolutely adored (the new "friend" knew this; and my other half knew about him and wasn’t opposed to me being his friend...I'm not the cheating type, y'all). Starting to feel very uneasy and uncomfortable, I found myself trying to figure out how to go back to us JUST being cool and checking in every now and then, but it got to the point that when I’d try to back away, he would counter with heart-wrenching comebacks like: “Nicole, you’re the closest person to me; if I were to lose you, I don’t know what I’d do” or “Nicole, you’re the only reason I continue to fight; I’d kill myself if you left.” Can y’all imagine the level of pressure on my already traumatized heart (I’d lost my mom only the year before) to be made to carry the weight of someone’s life in my hands? I found myself fighting to stay present in his life for his sake, and all the while, further damaging myself because I was too afraid of what freedom from that situation would lead to. The turning point came when I finally got the nerve to talk to my Daddy (Daddy, aka Uncle Bubba, was a thug back in those days...his tolerance for stupidity, ignorance, and foolishness was as thin as his hair...my Daddy is bald, y'all) and ask him for clarity. I remember him sitting and listening intently, but looking very bothered and perturbed, and then saying the following to me (paraphrased): “Nicole, Daughter-Girl, you aren’t his Jesus. You being in his life isn’t going to save him the way he needs to be saved or keep him the way he needs to be kept. You can’t do God’s work, so pray for him and let him go. You know I try not to tell you what to do with your friendships, but this one [friendship] is NOT for you.” I can’t tell y’all how clearly and powerfully those words echoed in my soul, in the part of me that makes decisions that could alter and change the trajectory of my life, to the point that they released me from that bondage. I think the very next day, I regurgitated Daddy's words to me back to him, verbatim in pacing and emphasis and closing, and bade him farewell without giving him much space to refute or challenge anything that I had said. <insert: SN> I knew myself well enough to know that I was very passive and weak when it came to enforcing boundaries with people, and that was the reason I didn't allow myself to talk to him very long after I said what I said...he would've sucked me back into that toxic friendship (Oh, the irony!) with his words. In my mind, not hurting people's feelings and not telling people "NO" was synonymous with being a friend. It mattered not that my peace was jeopardized or that I lost myself in trying to make the other party happy, as long as I was MAKING THE OTHER PARTY HAPPY. Yes, there's something very wrong with that logic. Manipulators are like dogs...they pick up and sense insecurities and they exploit them to no end. <end: SN> When the call ended, and the rush of anxiety was overcome by the relief of finality, I found myself praying that God would keep him, protect him, and heal him so that he never again verbalized the idea of ending his life. Although I was raised a church kid, I wasn't super spiritual (true salvation hit my life about a year later), but I knew I didn't want anything to happen to him. I also prayed for myself...I prayed that I would learn to choose me over choosing to make people happy with me.
In case you were wondering, he didn't go down without a fight; there were a few more calls that ensued, but my resolve had kicked in by then, and I was determined not to be bound by his manipulation anymore. Eventually, the phone calls from him became fewer and fewer until they stopped; I left for college in early August of 2000 as had been planned. Oddly enough about 10 years later, I ran into him...alive and well. He hadn't taken his life, after all.
As I've sat and replayed this wrinkle in the timeline of my life, so many lessons-learned jump out to me from that situation, and these are the takeaways I want you to ponder on:
1) Like daddy said, we aren’t anyone’s savior. We can’t do the work that needs to be done in people’s broken state, only God can. If it’s not going to make them/us sidetrack, sometimes we’ll get to walk with them through their healing process...but only as onlookers.
2) Discernment is key in any type of relationship. Demons pick up on your vulnerabilities and your desires that haven’t been submitted to God (yes, even your desire to naively prove your loyalty to people who don’t deserve it). I’ve since grown in recognizing frauds and snakes and traps when I see them, but it came over time and with much practice. Snakes don’t have your best interest at heart; they want to poison you and kill who God made you to be. Pray and let the Lord teach you to discern well.
3) Manipulation and control will kill your destiny purpose if you don’t learn the power of “NO” and how to effectively set boundaries in your life. I literally became afraid the closer it came to me leaving for college, because I was afraid of what he’d do. There isn’t a person alive worth you forfeiting your destiny because you’re trying to be to them someone YOU WERE NEVER MADE TO BE TO THEM.
4) Make sure you have sound counsel in your life; these are the people who know mess when they see it. They give you space to “learn” but they have enough in them to guide you into the truth until you can discern it for yourself, on your own.
5) Their problems aren’t your problems...so don’t take them on. You have enough to deal with without adding the pressures of someone else’s issues to the load. Don’t be a dumping ground in the name of kindheartedness and friendship. No...just no!
6) Learn and mark traits of toxicity, and use those markers as red flags to know when to discontinue their access to you. By nature, I’ve always been a free-spirited individual, a loner, and complete by myself. So clingy people tend to bother my spirit. Over the years, I’ve found that the "clinginess" is usually attached to a spirit of manipulation and control. Additionally, I’ve realized that I don’t do that for my life. #Nope Don’t let toxic, demonic relationships destroy your life. If you’re struggling with one, I’m praying that you’d find the strength to walk away and never look back because you deserve better relationship than a toxic person can give you. I pray you choose to #BeFree -AND- #StayFree!
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