I remember a conversation with my therapist in a session last year wherein I shared with her a revelation the Father gave me about a terrible experience (a guy + lies, wasted time, games, manipulation…yeah) I had a year and a half prior. At the time I was going through the process of ridding my soul of said guy, I couldn’t see how I would move on without angst or bitterness because he had tried me like I was in a training bra although I’ve never had that luxury. The revelation came when the Holy Spirit flashed me a picture of a speed bump. Upon seeing it, I inquired about the meaning and He responded with this…
“As negative as that experience with him was, he didn’t stop you. He might’ve slowed you down a little, but he could never stop you. He was just a speed bump.”
Those words jerked all sorts of tears from my eyes as I recounted how the Father, once again, made what (who) the enemy intended for evil to work out for my good in the two and a half years I dealt with this speed bump. The aftermath of severing ties with him left me thinking that experience had broken me and stopped God’s goodness from flowing freely in my life, but alas, it only slowed me down, forcing me to take inventory of my heart and accountability for my decisions. I was reminded of the many signs of immaturity the Holy Spirit tried to show me about this guy in our first year of dealing with each other; I ignored them. Because of my own emotional immaturity, I thought I could pray his flaws and red flags away, but I couldn’t because he was never meant to be vested in my life the way he was. A friend, cool…but nothing more.
Although it hurt me a little, I came to see I didn’t lose in the end because I learned from the ordeal. That year, I learned how to love me better than I ever had before by redefining the relationships in my life according to the truth of God’s Word. Here’s what that looked like…
I learned to set healthy boundaries with the people in my life by determining my relationship non-negotiables and sticking to them. One simple revelation from Boundaries by Drs. John Townsend and Henry Cloud became my standard for relationships and revolutionized my ability to think relationally. Boundaries are not walls, they are gates. They’re there for safety. Those who can enter the gate are the ones that you know you’re safe with. If, at any time they begin to make you feel unsafe, you can simply remove them and close the gate.
The best way to handle a liar is in truth. Once I determined my non-negotiables, I was able to decipher through his lack of truthfulness to apply truth. Before our last conversation, I prayed that the Holy Spirit order my words so that I said everything I needed and wanted to say to him about his actions, but in truth according to God’s Word. When we spoke, I killed his pride, lies, and audacity with truth. He hung the phone up stuttering. I laughed and moved forward.
The power and necessity of discernment was reiterated to me. For my life, discernment is key to engaging in healthy relationships. They operate in tandem with boundaries (the filter) as my litmus test to determine if a person is safe for me. Discernment, by way of the Holy Spirit, is the added layer of protection for my heart. The enemy can influence people’s actions and build a whole counterfeit that looks like, sounds like, and acts like a good fit for your life. But there’s nothing that the Holy Spirit’s eyes can’t see or His ears can’t hear. I’ve learned to lean into Him for understanding, clarity, and direction regarding the people that I encounter.
I learned to stand my ground when dealing with deceptive, manipulative people. How did I do that? I became dogmatic regarding honesty and truthfulness because those are attributes of safety to me. When I saw signs of deceit and manipulation, I addressed it upfront, immediately. Although I didn’t then, I’ve since learned that I can tell people the truth in love to correct instead of destroy. God-responses are drenched in His love because it’s only by His love that the world will know those of us who say we belong to Him.
I learned that indecision is a decision. If someone demonstrates uncertainty about you, consider it conveyance of how they truly feel (or don’t feel) about you. When intentions are pure, decision-making is easy.
Here’s to the “speed bumps” that have positioned themselves into God’s plans for our lives...may we see them, may we recognize their ill intentions, may we mature and grow stronger, and may we ride full speed over these deterrents on the way into our future because they haven’t the power or ability to stop us on their own. #RideOut
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